Malfoys Do Not
by Ally147
Summary: *Winner of the Twin Exchange April 2014 Challenge* "You know, I think I could write the definitive text on what Malfoys do and do not, given just how often you seem to enjoy relaying that information." D/Hr, Post-Hogwarts, EWE


This was written on a complete whim at the eleventh hour for the Twin Exchange April Challenge. And this isn't my first HP story, but it is the first one I've posted on here, so I hope those of you who know me for my other stuff enjoy it too, because there will be more of them to come later!

Rated T for language and innuendo.

Pairing: **Hermione/Draco**; Prompt: **Camping **and **Werewolves**; Quote: **"The inner workings of your mind scare me."**

'Malfoys Do Not…'

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Casting a scornful eye over the ground, Draco Malfoy felt sure that there must be something he was missing regarding the appeal of Muggle camping, particularly if Granger could find it within herself to be so painfully enthusiastic about it.

He looked warily over the dark blue canvas propped up precariously by a system of sticks, hooks and ropes. The hammock he supposed looked nice enough, strung up as it was between two nearby trees, but that still didn't change the fact that it was _strung up between two trees _with nary a net to save them from the ravenous onslaught of mosquitoes that he was sure would bear down on them later. He didn't even want to think about the hole she had just made him dig on the outskirts of their site, nor did he want to dwell on what its intended use was.

"Granger, perhaps you should explain this… camping thing to me again?"

"What's to explain?" she questioned, dropping a pile of sticks to the ground and plopping down next to them to begin assembling their fire. "We set up our tent, spend two glorious weeks away from our jobs and everyone we know, do nothing but relax and come back to civilization all the better for it. It sounds wonderful to me."

"So, we're going to be sleeping…?"

She sighed wearily and continued building the fire. "Yes, Draco, we're going to be sleeping in the tent."

He shot another nasty glare at the tent and nudged a sneaker-clad foot at the soft forest floor, covered in leaves and mushrooms in various states of decomposition. "On the ground?"

She rolled her eyes as she took a match to the firelighter beneath the kindling, pulling back quickly once it had ignited. "That's the general idea, yes."

Draco looked up at her and shook his head slowly. "Malfoys do not lie on the ground, nor do they sleep in the dirt."

"The tent has a floor, and we have sleeping bags," Hermione retorted dryly. "I'm not making you sleep on the ground, wrapped in leaves, out in the open for the wolves to get and ants to crawl indiscriminately over."

Draco froze. "There are werewolves out here?"

Hermione giggled and blew gently on the fledgling flames, encouraging them to engulf the sticks. "No, just regular wolves."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

She gasped in mock offense. "You mean it doesn't?"

He sighed resignedly and ducked down to the tent entrance and glanced inside. "I suppose we could charm it to be a bit more comfortable. And secure. And wolf-proof."

"Not possible."

He snapped back upright and fixed Hermione with a pointed glare. "Explain."

"I didn't bring our wands," she said casually, without looking up.

There was a tense pause and a frustrated sigh. "May I ask why exactly you deemed it necessary to leave our wands at home?"

"I thought we could use a break from magic," Hermione said with a nonchalant shrug. "We use it every day, after all. Sometimes it's nice to do things with our hands instead of relying on our wands."

"I know for a fact you have no complaints of my _wand_ work, or my hand work," Draco retorted with an exaggerated leer, smirking at her blush. "But the inner workings of your mind scare me, Granger; what sort of witch thinks she needs a break from magic?"

"The sort of witch who was raised Muggle, and likes to pay homage to her roots every now and then," she replied loftily, shooting him a warning look.

Draco scrunched up his face with distaste. "I don't like how you've put me into this category with you."

"Too bad, but I'd like to think you've learned by now that arguing with me over these sorts of things gets you nowhere."

"Fine," Draco said, mentally filing his amenability to Muggle camping as something to be used to gain her favour later, preferably once they got back to the manor, to their wonderfully warm and fluffy king-size bed. "What about food and water?"

She rolled her eyes and looked at him amusedly. "I've brought enough with us to get us through, don't worry."

"And if we run out?"

"I've also brought a fishing rod, and there's a fresh water lake close by. We'd catch the fish and cook them over the fire. It'd be fine."

"Malfoys do not hunt for their food, nor do they drink from streams, nor do we cook raw fish on sticks over a fire!" He sniffed haughtily. "Merlin, Granger, what are we? Neanderthals?"

"Yes, I figured you might say something like that, hence why _I brought enough food and water to last us!_"

"You mean those canned goods, Granger? Malfoys do not –"

"Do not eat from cans?" Hermione finished with annoyance. "Too bloody bad, Draco; for the next two weeks you'll be the exception to the rule or you can starve to death. I'm sure the wolves won't mind, though you might end up a tad on the stringy side."

"Well, what about the loo situation?"

He could have sworn he saw a slight twinge of revulsion cross her features, but it quickly passed. "Why do you think I asked you to dig that hole?"

"I've been hoping it was to bury food scraps!" he cried.

"We can't bury the food scraps, Draco! The wolves would definitely come if we did that."

'You're telling me," Draco began lowly, "that you intend for us to do our... business… in a hole in the ground?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"_Malfoys do not shit in holes in the ground!"_

"You know, I think I could write the definitive text on what Malfoys do and do not, given just how often you seem to enjoy relaying that information."

"You should!" Draco exclaimed loudly. "It would make a fantastic study guide for you. Then you might realise that Muggle camping trips, where I have to do my business in holes, worry about whether or not wolves might eat us at night and sleep in Merlin forsaken tents _without the utter blessing that is magic,_ do not qualify as Malfoy honeymoons! Malfoys do not honeymoon in anything less than luxury."

"Ah, but I am a Malfoy now, aren't I?" Hermione pointed out with a smug grin. "Surely I bring something new into the fold?"

"A Malfoy would never put their significant other through torture such as this!"

"If the idea of going outside of your delicate Malfoy sensibilities for me, for two bloody weeks, offends you so bloody much, then leave!" she snapped, jumping up quickly and stalking away through the bramble.

"Shit," Draco muttered, quickly running after her.

"Granger, stop," he called out, watching as she came to a reluctant halt by a small copse of densely packed, skinny-trunked trees, but she didn't turn around. He inched closer and reached out to rest his hands on her shoulders.

"Hermione, you've got me wearing a bloody tracksuit, joggers and a sodding knitted hat, holed up in a tent in the middle of nowhere for the next two weeks; I can safely say I'm not going anywhere, and not just because of my utterly ridiculous appearance." He sighed and wrapped an arm across her chest, pulling her back against his front. "As much as it pains me to admit it, you've got me utterly whipped Granger," he whispered in her ear before pressing a quick kiss to her temple. "I'd follow you anywhere, and Malfoys don't typically do that, either."

She let out a deep breath and reached up to her collarbone to clutch his forearm. "Then why are you fighting this so much?"

"Well, the idea of doing our business in a hole isn't helping matters all that much, but it's our _honeymoon_, Granger!" he said petulantly. "I can hardly shag you into stupidity this tent!"

"Is that what your attitude is about?" Hermione asked, turning in his arms and fixing him with a disbelieving stare. "Merlin, Draco, we're in the woods! We're alone, there's not a soul to be seen for absolute miles! If you really want to 'shag me into stupidity', as you say, without the need for locking and silencing charms, I don't think you're going to find a better place to do it. Not to mention, we're going to have to bathe in that lake sometime soon, and I'll have you know I've often thought about what it might be like to shag underwater."

Trust Hermione Granger-Malfoy to deliver such tantalising information in such a flippant manner.

He sucked in a sharp breath and alternated quick glances between the tent and the direction of the lake Hermione had pointed to. Letting out a string of muttered obscenities, he took Hermione by the wrist and pulled her back to their campsite.

"Draco," she said laughingly as he crouched over their bags. "What are you doing?"

"Put out that fire and grab a towel, wife. We have a theory to test."

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**AN: **Draco's hatred of all things camping and outdoors reflects my own; bad camping experience, very long story!

A review if you liked this would be wonderful :)

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it and even if you don't, it's still a damn fine excuse to eat some chocolate :) And if you don't like chocolate, well, you can't deny that bunnies are cute!


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